This week I traveled to my hometown for a 24 hour visit. During that short timespan I felt a lot of “nostalgia”. There’s something about summer in the country that makes you miss growing up in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes I really miss being a kid. Well, not being a kid, but the scenes that stand out from my childhood. In retrospect, memories from my youth seem photoshopped and perfect, a problematic but enjoyable way of remembering my childhood. Everything seems easier but surely, it was not. I miss my old home, but I’ll make a new one. I’ll make it myself, just for me.
A lot has happened since I posted last. Hypochondria-wise, I’ve been nervous that I’m a)anemic or b)diabetic and I’ve been having a few episodes on and off. For the first time in years, I found myself searching symptoms on the internet. Never again!
With all the health related-worries, I started to eat more healthily than usual. Tomorrow is my first doctor’s appointment in ages so I’m a little nervous about that. We’ll see how it goes.
ALSO- I have rekindled my love for thrift shopping. I used to be a sort of anti-consumer in high school but somehow, since then, I’ve become this person who loves to purchase items brand new. A few days ago, I hit up Goodwill and found six great items for 24 dollars and let’s just say the old Kira is back. I’ve also changed the way I grocery shop. I’ve found that when I grocery shop without a list or any specific food in mind, and only buy produce that’s on sale that day, I spend way less money on vegetables and fruits.
As I get older, I realize that there is a strong possibility that I won’t be making a lot of money with my university degree. Therefore I need to stop idealizing lifestyles that aren’t practical. When I was young I always pictured myself living happily in an apartment surrounded by simple, creative things. I need to get back to that.
When I feel off or down, I like to escape reality. How do I do this you ask? Well, when I’m not working or at school, I’ll binge watch t.v., spend an obscene amount of time playing games on my iPad, etc etc. Some people might equate this with laziness, and maybe it is laziness (I suppose I’m quite fortunate to have time to escape reality) but I often think of it as a coping mechanism. All sorts of strange behaviours can be linked with one’s psychology. Some people link procrastination to stress or a fear of failure. During my exams I attempted to procrastinate my studying, and in doing this, I realized a lot of my procrastination habits result from an ironic fear of attempting something in case of failure. When I procrastinate, I do the same activities that cause me to escape reality. I think it’s a coping mechanism that forces me to reduce my stress. I get stressed out easily because I overthink everything. The moment I enter something into my calendar I can’t stop thinking about it until said project or date is done and over with. This creates me into someone who hates planning things. I guess that’s why I prefer spontaneity– it’s stress-free for me.
I have no clue what the point of this post was, it’s really just me rambling. But I guess now I see how linked all of my mentalities are. Cause and effect etc etc.
Yesterday I took the train to my grandmother’s house for Easter. As usual, I was inspired to take some photos.
Above, are the eggs I decorated for her. I think they look like shit because instead of using a wax crayon, I had to decorate them with marker. At least it was fun. :)
My favourite picture at my grandmother’s house resides in the basement laundry room. A portal into another universe whilst one is laundering, perhaps?
I snapped this photo on my phone during a walk this week. I feel like it perfectly encapsulates the idea of ‘gloom’. The river is flooded, the trees look autumnal, the sky is grey, the left-over bits of pre-winter fallen leaves and rain storms are exposed. This photo doesn’t make me sad, it’s kind of inspiring actually.
To summarize this past week, I have been absent due to an overload of assignments (no surprise there) and I haven’t had the time or mind space to blog. I’ve developed a coffee/sugar addiction (I especially love Timmy’s instant coffee) and also a tendency to hermit and study (but really I compulsively play Jelly Splash for hours). This next week I have an essay due and three final exams (one after the other, three days in a row) and then I get to celebrate easter with my family, free from stress.
I am fantasizing about all of the amazing projects and blog posts I will get to write after next week. At the end of April I will be moving and I have so many home decor and summer gardening plans. I’ve also started to think about what my blog will be like after these 365 days are up. This blog was created last summer, so it will be concluded relatively soon. So sad! Any ideas of what I should do? I feel like I will have to make a new blog due to the fact that my url is so specific. But maybe I shouldn’t worry about that now.
This is all I could write tonight. It doesn’t even have a proper ending, but maybe that’s how it should be. I’ve been panicking, and I’ve been escaping reality. But here’s one honest messy post because this blog isn’t only about pretty things.Trigger warning: hypochondria/health/death
It’s not simply a fear of death, so I’m trying to figure out how to tell you that I feel like I’m dying. Right now, I’m dying. When you’re a little kid, you have those selfish moments where you scream and pound your chest with your clammy fists or you cry because your babysitter braided your barbie’s hair without your permission. When you’re old you can’t have those moments of utter breakdown, there is no one to tell you not to cry over spilt milk and if anyone were to tell you that you’d mentally punch them in their face. Because who are they to tell me I can’t cry over things that might seem trivial? A virus in your body- made up or not- would initiate a subjective reaction, depending on who you are and what you think about and where you place your priorities. My priority is my body. The control I get from protecting myself is wiped away when I obsessively play scenes over and over in my head, where I’m the main character, getting bad news in the doctors office again. My life is not a plot-line in a made-up t.v drama but a lot of my mind is made up, so how do I tell you about my fear of death? Because right now I feel like I’m dying but I’m not, but I am, but who really even knows because the tests at the doctors office lie, and the doctors lie, and the person you had sex with last night may have lied, even the cells in my body have lied. I have lied to myself. But I’m scared of hearing those potential truths. If I tell you I feel like I’m dying, it’s serious, because I am, I believe it to be true and no one can make me think otherwise. I feel trapped and then I hate myself and I hate my decisions and for the billionth time I beg for someone to let me live and I haven’t been that religious since 3rd grade, when Father Gus told me not to feel guilty about compulsively yelling swear words inside of my head. Because after all, they were inside of my head.
Sometimes hypochondria makes me feel alien to my own body. It’s a terrible feeling to hate my own body parts because inevitably, I’m stuck with them. Right now I just feel trapped inside of them. I was doing some reading on hypochondria yesterday because I wanted to find out more on the inner workings of my brain. Of course I believe that my own experiences are more informative to myself than some info in any one of the problematic psych manuals but something compelled me into doing research. I was surprised to find that body dysmorphia can be a key element in hypochondria, but then I realized that I have felt it so many times. I feel it today and it really, really sucks. Feeling some serious body-hate and that’s everything I hate to feel.
This is not me hating the size of my body, it’s nothing like feeling too big or whatever. It’s feeling like I have a disease within parts of my body and hating my body for that and wanting those parts gone, even if that disease is made up inside my head.