I’ve been trying to understand the concept of longevity and the way that it relates to my mental illness. I am incredibly aware of the constructed-ness of time and the fact that “365 days” essentially, means nothing.
I’ve been thinking of ending this blog early because I feel as if I’ve discovered all that I can about myself for the time-being. I am parched for words and my mental health has been fairly consistent lately. When I have episodes I now know how to deal with them because this blog has taught me so much about myself.
So I’ve been thinking- why continue “365 days” when continuity (neither a beginning nor an end) is really what coping with mental illness is about? I remember the very first day that my hypochondria was triggered but I know that in that moment, I may have already been destined for it. My subconscious chose hypochondria in order to protect itself from a situation, and I didn’t have a say in that. You can’t change a brain (at least I don’t think you can) but you can always deal. Dealing and healing exist for lifetime.
But of course “365 days” means something, even when it means nothing (nothing is always something). And one thing I dislike about my character is my impulsiveness and my sometimes erratic behaviour. I will not quit this project that I set out to complete. I’ll finish it for myself. But after it’s over, one major lesson I’ll take with me is the knowledge that healing is a forward moving process that never really ends.