I grapple with the concept of being mentally ‘sick’. But when my mentality begins to influence my physicality, I can feel my mental illness inside of me. It manifests itself in the bags under my eyes, my muscle-loss, my headaches, my messy hair. I embody a sort of sickness that has no real cure, and the irony of it all is that I am scared that my mental ‘sickness’ will kill me. I have episodes of hypochondria concerning my own hypochondria.
I didn’t go Christmas shopping today and I didn’t get my letters sent out. I stayed in bed and slept and watched T.V and all I ate was a packet of instant oatmeal.
Around 9:00pm, I made dinner with whatever I could find in the kitchen cupboards and I sat at the kitchen table and felt alone (my roommates have all gone home).
Is this what it feels like to be ‘sick’ in the brain? Or is this what it feels like to be a twenty-year-old who just finished final exams and is learning how to cope with the reality of the ‘future’, the reality of ‘life’?
I don’t really care that I didn’t get anything done today; I can just move my plans to tomorrow. But what will I do when my body gets tired from all of the constant mood-swings and delusion? It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that I am sick. My body, my bones and my heart feel tired. If I could live in this state, I would. But I think that it’s slowly killing me. My mind has taken over my body. Sometimes I’m scared that I have already lost control.