365 Days of Hypochondria

And other personal happenings.

“What are you going to do?” (Day 107)

10 Comments

I always knew what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to be an artist, a teacher,  a flight attendant. I always changed my mind about the future, but I always had a back up plan ready. I never wasted a moment feeling lost.

Lately, I am less positive about my future (and also my present) and it brings me much anxiety. As well, the my mental health has been declining this year  and it is greatly affecting my university experience.

I’m only motivated by two out of five of my university courses. I’ve been thinking more and more about dropping out. This is the last thing I ever expected to do. When I was young, I imagined my life after high school to be successful, enjoyable and untouched by barriers.  I enjoy and love learning, despite these thoughts of quitting my expensive education. Maybe it’s just the right time for me.

The two classes that I wouldn’t want to let go of are my ecology class and my creative writing class. Worried about losing the bit of happiness that these classes give me, I had a semi-breakdown and looked into doing school part-time. Unfortunately, I missed the drop deadline for half-term classes and I am unable to see academic counselling today as I am at home to get away from all of that anxiety.

If you drop a course after the drop deadline your classes are marked as ‘fails’ on your final transcript. The academic counselling website for my uni says that it is possible to drop a course without the academic penalty if you have unique circumstances (such as health issues). The website also states that you will most likely need documentation to support any claims. I have never been professionally diagnosed for any mental health issues despite living with mental health issues for most of my life. I was never that kid who went to the child psychologist and I’ve never been someone who is interested in being professionally diagnosed; I understand what I’ve been living with, it affects me in every way, and I don’t need someone to restate what I already know.

I’m wondering what kind of ‘documentation’ they’d be looking for. I did see a therapist once, but she wasn’t that great and that was many years ago. I was also prescribed medication for my anxiety once, but it was a walk-in type of deal, I don’t even remember the doctors’ name.

It’s crazy that so much stress and anxiety goes into easing stress and anxiety in university. And I don’t even know if they will accommodate me for sure.

 

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10 thoughts on ““What are you going to do?” (Day 107)

  1. I went through something similar with my anxiety, depression and OCD in University. It really sucked. I did wind up dropping about half of my courses and did need documentation.

    I made an appointment with the school’s psychologist and let her know my intentions. She booked me for biweekly appointments and I spoke to admin about what was required. Eventually it was figured out but every school is different so check with them.

  2. HI Kira!

    Hang in there! My advice would be to go to student health services and see if you can see a doctor or psychiatrist there. They’ve really helped me in the past getting the medical documentation I need for things. For example, due to my high anxiety I have a hard time participating in class, so last year I got a note saying that I do not have to participate and I was able to work out a solution with my professors to make up the marks in written form. Keep in mind too that the medical note will cost you $20, which I think is absolutely stupid!! If a student needs a medical note they should get one for free in my opinion. Just keep this in mind because I’ve often gone and forgotten to bring money or forgot to put money in my account and this can leave you in a sticky situation.

    Also, I dropped out of classes/semesters/was part-time at Ottawa U quite a bit and it really helped me focus on myself and figure out exactly what it was I wanted to do in life.

    Finally, if it would help…send me your email via facebook and I’ll send you my personal essay from our class if you would like to read it you are more than welcome to. Its about my first major breakdown and how it led me to women’s studies and to London. I don’t know if it’ll be that much help, but just know that I can definitely relate to what you are going through and if you would like to sit down and have coffee and chat some time that would be completely fine with me :)

    Good luck with everything! And keep me posted!

  3. Hey, Kir, let me know if you want to chat at any point! <3 Proud of you for sharing.

  4. This has been something on my list to eventually write about. I’ve been in a similar position to start, but I didn’t handle it well. I simply froze and just watched everything around me crumble as the stress and anxiety inside built up more and more. I was and wasn’t aware of my depression/anxiety and never thought to seek out one of the free counselors at school. It wasn’t all mental health, but also a lack of care for certain classes, I wasn’t thrilled with my first school, and my major changed several times.

    Looking back, I wish I had sought someone out, even a friend, instead of hiding it all b/c I was embarrassed and felt paralyzed. School counselors won’t have all the answers, but will have a better idea on where to start and who to ask about school policies and work arounds. Meds you can always refuse. As for diagnosis, is it a fear of having something you know made official? Making it real. Or is it something else? I know how annoying it can be to have someone tell me stuff I already know about me. I also find it annoying when a stranger thinks they know me, but truly don’t. Honestly, I let things get so bad that if I could go back, I’d have let them label me whatever the hell they wanted just so I could move on without the extra repercussions… then deal with labels and all that later.

    I’m not saying that’s what you need to do or that its the only option. I just mean that some risks are greater than others. Breathe and keep doing what your doing by not hiding it the way I did.

    • Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it. I am definitely going to figure this all out and utilize my options instead of cursing the university. I just wish getting help and accommodation was easier and more accessible. And half of me wishes I was diagnosed earlier, but half of me doesn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of ‘figuring me out’ when I know myself better than anyone else.

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