365 Days of Hypochondria

And other personal happenings.

Off (Day 54)


Do you ever have those days where you just feel a little off and the only thing that can fix the situation is going to sleep and waking up tomorrow? Today I had my second writing workshop. It didn’t go exactly as planned. If anyone knows me, they know that I am not great at speaking on demand. If I have time to rehearse a speech or whatnot, I will do fine because I am prepared. But when I am speaking to a friend or a group of people, sometimes I will stutter, or mix up my words, or even just cut entire stories short, abruptly so, because I feel like what I am saying is just confusing. Recently, my word mix-ups and such have gotten worse (this doesn’t ease my thoughts of brain cancer). Today, I knew I would have to read some of my writing to my workshop class, but I didn’t think it would go as terrible as it did.

First of all, I never read my writing to anyone. I’ve only ever performed my personal writing once. Second, I hate speaking (see above). Half of the time I find small talk and pointless chit chat a waste of time, and the other half of the time I just can’t verbalize my thoughts and emotions quite right. So obviously, the reason why I like to write is because writing is my voice. When I speak, my voice is hindered by anxiety, and brain casualties, so when I write, I get a chance to let my true thoughts really get “spoken”. I’m frustrated by the fact that my writing professor wants us to develop our reading voice, as the only voice I really care about at this point is my writing voice. I seemed to be the only person in the entire class who didn’t read their writing as if they were an apprentice to shakespeare or a movie character. Blah. I realize I am just going to have to ignore my predispositions and last the rest of the year.

2 thoughts on “Off (Day 54)

  1. Jumbled word speak is my life. If I write it, I can make sure I’m saying what I mean. If I speak it, its like brain tells another part of brain to translate into speaking, that part tells mouth to say translation, mouth has its own way of doing things, and the end result is either akin to the game ‘telephone’ getting completely the wrong point across with all the wrong wording or weird alien speak which sounds like english but makes no sense in understanding or proper sentence structure. Reading aloud results somewhat similar for me. And who cares how everyone else reads.. I knew a kid who hated reading in front of others, so he would prerecord it (w/ the addition of acoustic in the background) and then just play it for our class. The prof never said a word against it and the kid never asked for permission.

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