365 Days of Hypochondria

And other personal happenings.


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Televised Anxiety (Day 68)

I try really hard not to trigger my own health anxiety. I am particularly careful of what television shows I choose to watch. For example, I really wanted to watch ‘The Big C’ but I started the first episode and realized it wasn’t for me. Then again, I actually chose to try watching that show at the same time I was having my own worries about the possibility of breast cancer, so that was a stupid move on my part. Lately though, I have gotten extremely into Breaking Bad (yes, I know I’m late to the party).

The main character has lung cancer yet for some reason I can’t stop watching it. I partly attribute my ability to cope with the show to my slow recovery. But I have noticed an increase in anxiety pertaining to my lungs.

For the past year I have had this annoying cough. My lungs are not the best- I did have to use an inhaler at one point. I’ve noticed the cough goes away when I’m relaxed so maybe it’s partly psychological, but it’s definitely partly to do with my crappy lungs.

It’s the little details in the show that make me anxious. The main character has this horrid persistent cough. And somehow I drew a link from his cough to mine. Lately I’ve been worried that I have lung cancer and I think of my cough as one of the symptoms.

Instead of going into a serious panic- I’m experimenting. Whenever I feel like coughing, I tell myself: ‘stop, it’s only psychological’. I’m hoping that maybe this will trick my brain or my lungs. Does this sound crazy and impossible? I’m willing to try anything at this point.


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Stomach Pains (Day 67)

I can stand certain stomach pains. I know how to deal with nervousness, with butterflies. I know how to calm nausea. When it comes to the flu, I am an expert at dealing with colds and tonsillitis, strep throat and sinusitis. The one thing that I really can’t stand is the stomach flu.

My entire house for the past two weeks has basically been a tornado of flu. We all had colds and stuffy noses. Then, one of my roommates got the stomach flu. I thought I was safe, but no. I think the last time I got an actual stomach ache was in high school.  I hadn’t had a stomach ache in so long that I instantly thought of the worst case scenario- a stomach ulcer or something.

I hope this post isn’t a complete turn-off. It’s just all I have to write about today… thank god Breaking Bad is on netflix… it’s been a really great distraction.

What do you do to cure a stomach ache? I would love to know.


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The Important Questions (Day 66)

Questions are inevitable. Lately though, I have been compiling a list of important questions with no answers. Some of them are weird, but I feel like personally, they would be interesting to know. Here’s what I have come up with so far (I’ve tried to create poems out of some of these questions but they never really turn out):

 

Important Questions With No Answers

At what age did you learn what the word regret meant?

What does poison taste like?

How many tears have you shed?

When was the last time you smiled and meant it?

What happens when you lucid dream a sleep?

I’m planning on adding to the list as time goes on. What are some of your important (yet unanswerable) questions?

 


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Waiting is Wasting? (Day 65)

Tick.Tick.Tick.

The western world spends a lot of time waiting. We wait in lines at restaurants, coffee shops, and grocery checkouts. We wait for the bus, for the train, for the car to warm up in the winter. We wait for our shifts to be over at work, and then we go home and wait for microwave to beep. I spend a lot of time waiting on/for people. I wait for my friends  and I wait for lovers to make the first move. I always want the other person to kiss me first, to call me first, so I wait, wait, wait.

I try making the first move- I arrive everywhere early. Then I wait even longer. I wait for the bus to pull out of the station and I wait for my tea to be made and I wait for my class to start.

I think I’ve mastered the art of waiting and maybe the rest of my life will be spent trying to find an alternative solution to the whole concept. Trying to delegitimize the theory of time.

 

 


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Something Good (Day 64)

In relation to my life, I have always sort of believed in the philosophy that if something bad happens, something good will happen in return (and vice versa). This is a privileged belief. But I’ve always sort of personally believed that my life works this way. Sometimes I even get hopeful when something bad happens but I guess this mentality is partly due to the fact that when you are at a low, you only have the best to hope for.

Today was a good day. I received a job offer as a freelance writer for a really great digital marketing company. Obviously, I accepted, and am beyond excited.

The saying is cliche, but it’s true- good things happen when you least expect them to.

 

 


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Update Number One (Day 63)

I figured that since this blog is mainly to do with my recovery, I may as well post random updates so that I can track my “progress” (I hate to use that term, but I can’t think of another word).

Lately, my usual unwanted thoughts about illness and disease have been absent from my brain. I have had some random small episodes but for the most part, things have gotten better. This may be due to the fact that I’ve been busy lately and haven’t had much time to think, but regardless, I’m happy that I’m feeling better.

On another note,

take a look at this beautiful light-stream I captured today:

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Assumptive World (Day 62)

Right now, in my women’s studies class, we are discussing the concept of the “assumptive world” in relation to space, home, and belonging. I recently have been feeling lost-not in a literal sense- in an emotional sense. My assumptive world has been “shattered” as they say, due to the actions of those around me, and my own responses to them. This post isn’t about hypochondria, this post is about my life and the way I thought my body would exist in the world. I’ve experienced forced displacement multiple times; my families are never really families, only temporary structures of people. I love those people (some more than others) and eventually the structure crumbles and all of my assumptions about love and “forever” and growing older change. I recently told a friend that I have decided I never want to fall in love or become attached to anyone but I really just want to stop assuming that everything is lasting.