365 Days of Hypochondria

And other personal happenings.

Self-Care (Day 9)

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I got up this morning and looked at myself in the mirror. I felt that my face looked sick; my eyes looked tired and my face seemed paler than usual. Throughout the day it seemed as if my muscles were limp and my body felt drained of energy. My self-esteem sometimes suffers due to my anxiety, and sometimes I go through bouts of melancholy. I’m not sure if the melancholy thing is related or something else completely. My brain seems to blur boundaries of sense and nonsense and most of the time, I don’t know if I’m going to have a mentally stable day until the moment I wake up. Some days I don’t think about disease, sometimes social anxiety, stutters, or indifference will replace those thoughts. Occasionally my day will be fabulous. Sometimes I will wake up with weird skin or limp hair and I ‘know’ it’s going to be a bad day. It’s those days that just looking at myself makes me nervous, the thought of seeing other people makes me terrified. My program at school emphasizes the need for individual ‘self-care’. The faculty understands the importance of mental health and emphasizes student wellness. Sometimes I will use self-care as an excuse to stay inside all day. It makes me feel less guilty. This makes me wonder whether I really need it or whether it’s important to take moments to ourselves. I think I am going to come up with an alternative self-care list of things I can do on crappy days (instead of my default stay-inside-and-do-nothing). Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just want to start trying new things.

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