I’ve always tried to be a quiet hypochondriac. I’ve always felt that some people probably think that I am looking for attention when I seek reassurance, so I try to keep all of my thoughts safe inside my head for as long as possible. Those verbal bursts of anxiety that I experience are like mini explosions that I can’t keep contained inside of me.
Living life as a ‘quiet’ hypochondriac creates a lot of loneliness. It’s hard to find other’s like you when you try to conceal yourself from others.
All my life I have relied on community to keep me somewhat sane. For example, growing up in a small town, I soon realized I wasn’t like others. I realized that I didn’t believe in God and that I didn’t want a 9 to 5 job. I also realized that I didn’t want a husband. I came out as gay in my last year of high school and immediately I found (albeit only two) others like me. I stood out a lot.
In university, I realized that dressing like a tom-boy wasn’t really for me, and started to dress more feminine. Soon, as a result of this, I blended in with the straight community. I am completely out of the closet, yet like with my anxiety, I remain quiet in a sense. This time, in a physical sense.
At the same time, these two aspects of myself are completely different. I don’t choose to be largely invisible in the gay community. I usually choose to keep my health anxiety a secret.
This will only be my eighth post on this blog but through creating this project, I have started to read many other blogs about anxiety and recovery. And I don’t feel so alone. I feel like I’m becoming a part of that community I could never find before. So reader- if you’re ‘crazy’-
I consider you my friend.